miniture Santa

So, I’ve finally figured out how Santa does it! You know how he flies around the world, going up & down countless chimneys, delivering millions* of presents?

Well, I’ve figured it out! He’s miniature. Like the size of a thumb or something. We all know of his elves. Well, what we don’t know is that his elves make miniature presents, & Santa can easily stow & deliver them, & when his reindeer fly away, their hooves scatter a dusting (magical, natch). This magic dust makes the presents into regular sized toys!

Santa having a brewski

This brilliant theory of mine helps explain how:

a. The elves are able to produce such a large quantity in not as much time.

b. The sleigh is able to hold all these presents.

c. He & the presents are able to easily slide down the chimneys.

*maybe not millions. We all know it’s nearly impossible to be “good all year round”.

penal farming

I think we all know I’m a genius. I’ve proven it over & over again, w/ my innovative solutions to the worlds problems. Fer example, my ideas to…
stop hurricanes on the Gulf Coast
keep these yung bulls from wearing their pants down past their underpants
get more ppl into protesting

Well, I’ve come up w/ another winner!

Penal Farming. Here’s how & why it works.

How: Those incarcerated in our justice system, go to work on farms in their area. They could get bussed over there, then bussed back at the end of the day.

Why: You know how you get cranky when you’re hungry? & how you are elated when you eat a really good meal?!?! Well, a lot of prisoners prob spent their lives eating crappy fast food. Then, in jail, they eat crappy prison food. If they work on the farms, & get to eat fresh, local, non-hormonal food; it may even their tempers. Also, food fuels your body & brain. They’ll be calmer, happier, well-balanced. More prone to rehabilitation. They’ll be doing something, & seeing the fruits (& veggies… haha!) of their labor.

Also, farmers in America are struggling. This would help alleviate their costs.